BATESVILLE — When Alan Davis was killed on April 19, 1991, in an ambulance accident, his mother, Connie Davis, thought her world would end.
Alan was a 21-year-old EMT with an ambulance service when he was taking a patient to a Little Rock hospital from Batesville.
“He was on a night run to take a patient to Little Rock when, within a few miles from Batesville, at 4 a.m., he was involved in a collision with a milk truck,” Connie Davis said. “It was devastating, a parent’s nightmare.”
She said she knew she had to go on living for her daughter’s sake, but it took Davis a long time to heal.
She discovered The Compassionate Friends, an organization of parents who have lost children. Now, Davis and her husband, Bob, are co-directors of the Independence County chapter of the national organization.
“You’re never over it,” she said about the death of a child. “You feel like you’ve been slammed up against a wall and shattered.”
The group’s members range from those who have miscarried to those who have had grown children die. Davis said gathering with a group of people who have survived a tragedy, such as losing a child, gave her comfort in knowing that if they survived, she could, too.
“It’s a very normal thing to grieve,” she said. “You have to work through it and try to come to a new normal. Life will not go back to where it was. At the very beginning, you think you couldn’t live, but you do.”
Patty Cesarski of Batesville echoes Davis’ words. Her daughter, Lynda, died in 1986 from cancer when she was 19.
“She had just graduated high school, and she was going to go away to college, but she decided she wanted to take a year off,” Cesarski said. “She went to the doctor in November, and they found fluid on her lungs. She had cancer, a type of lymphoma. … She died six months after she was diagnosed.”
Cesarski said she didn’t deal with her daughter’s death very well.
“The first five years, I just kind of existed,” Cesarski said.
But she discovered The Compassionate Friends five years after Lynda’s death and has been an active member since.
“I stayed in because it helps other people get through it,” she said. “I remember what it was like the first couple of years. It helps other people to see that others have survived.”
Because everyone seems to have an opinion about how long someone should grieve, Davis and Cesarski both agreed that it just takes time, and no one should be judged negatively for that.
“In this group, there are only ones who really understand what you’re going through,” Cesarski said. “You can vent your anger, cry or do whatever you want, and we understand because we have all been through it.”
The Independence County chapter of The Compassionate Friends meets at 7 p.m. the second Tuesday of each month in the Community Room of the Citizen’s Bank Annex, Third and College streets in Batesville.
There are also chapters in Walnut Ridge, Mountain Home and Dumas.
Davis said sometimes there are speakers at the meetings, but mostly, people can talk about issues with which they are dealing, and there is usually someone there who has been through the same issues.
Davis said people sometimes stand up in the group and introduce themselves and state their child’s name.
“Sometimes people have a hard time saying their child’s name,” she said.
The group meetings are informal, and there are no dues. Davis said they do accept donations to help offset the costs of a monthly newsletter and other information that is mailed out. There are also books on grief in a lending library.
“My advice to someone who has lost a child is to take one day at a time,” Davis said. “You’re thinking, ‘Oh my, I’m going to have to finish out my life without my child,’ and that’s overwhelming. If you can just make it a few months, it will begin to get better. I know you think you don’t want to live, but you can.”
She also said some bereaved parents are afraid to get better.
“They are afraid they’ll forget their child,” she said. “There is no time frame for it. Be patient with yourself, and take some time.”
For more information on The Compassionate Friends, call Davis at (870) 793-6529 or visit www.compassionatefriends.org.
Staff writer Jeanni Brosius can be reached at (501) 244-4307 or jbrosius@arkansasonline.com.