A long footnote to my column of March 23 about visiting buffet restaurants: buffet restaurants that become your mom.
Not so much because they gave birth to you, loved on you, changed your diapers and otherwise carefully raised you to adulthood. They become your mom because you tend to misbehave and, like your mom, they've felt the need to issue you some sort of warning in order to stay in business and, presumably, not be forced to jack up the prices.
I didn't think the Asian buffet restaurant to which I sometimes head with a church mate or two on Sundays would morph into a Mom restaurant. It attracts a clientele that seemed reasonably sophisticated enough not to warrant the sign greeting us on the outer entrance to the place recently.
Do not leave a lot of uneaten, wasted food on plates, the sign read. Those doing so would be charged extra.
Again, the sign was on the outer entrance door -- not on the wall right after one enters the place; not at the front counter; not on the dining room wall.
This led me to wonder how scarce reasonably behaved buffet diners have become in America. Not long before this visit I'd guffawed at a social-media photo of a Chinese buffet restaurant whose street sign read, "All you can eat buffet not mean all day buffet. You no come stay 4 hour. You eat -- you go home."
Or the one that reads: "All you can eat $4.99. Chompey no longer welcome!!!!" (Whether "Chompey is a specific person or a general reference to people who take "all you can eat" too literally, I'm not sure.)
I've seen other online buffet-place Mom signs that may or may not be fake -- after all, there's one website that allows you to "Make Your Own Chinese Restaurant Sign" -- but firsthand admonitions to all-you-can-eat diners certainly exist. One erstwhile downtown Little Rock Chinese buffet restaurant allowed carry-out orders in Styrofoam boxes, but informed customers, via Mom sign, that "Lid must close." A former co-worker went on to refer to the restaurant as "Lid Must Close" rather than its proper name.
Again, though, Mom signs at restaurants do not pop up without there being good cause. "We'll be seeing more signs like these as Americans continue to become even more morbidly obese," predicts the Oddfunny.com author of this sobering caption underneath the sign discouraging four-hour buffet visitors.
Perhaps beleaguered buffet owners could take a hint from The Grouchy Chef -- a popular Mukilteo, Wash., eatery. It's run single-handedly by Chef Masumoto. Mom? Nah, we'll call him Dad, the parent you don't want to spank you when he gets home from work. Having been compared to The Soup Nazi on Seinfeld episodes, Chef Masumoto apparently decided to cash in on his bad humor and strict rules by making a gimmick of them. The place is noted for its Dad signs: "No public restrooms here! ... No thanks, free riders." "Hey you!! No smoking in here!! ... If you burn my place, you'll meet me in hell."
"Bizzarre notes everywhere, pay with cash, no blowing nose, etc.," adds a reviewer on Yelp.com. Guests are also forbidden to toast with the goblets; admonished to eat all their food (violators report having been roundly scolded); instructed to place the cash payments in a money tray only; and (a bright spot for cheapskates) forbidden to tip.
Judging from past reactions I've seen -- and gotten -- to tongue-in-cheek fare around here, I think buffet owners plagued with problem diners might weed them out if they adopted a Dad persona.
But oh, wouldn't it be so much better for buffet operators' sanity and diners' waistlines if the latter group simply followed the advice on buffet dining posted at Wikihow.com: Scout the buffet before serving yourself; "make a plan ... on how you want to eat"; get spoon-size tasting portions only the first couple of trips to the food stations. Cut larger portions up and leave the other part for another diner. Try not to visit when you're as hungry as a hostage.
Of course the irony wasn't missed on this notable suggestion: "Don't force yourself to finish food if you don't want to. You are too old to be a member of the Clean Plate Club."
Y'hear that, Mom? And Dad?
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hwilliams@arkansasonline.com
Style on 08/17/2014