"How dare it be rainy/cloudy when sunny weather was predicted!"
"&#)@#! Did everybody have to get the same idea and show up too?"
"All the people in this restaurant and that fly deliberately chose me to hassle."
Are you of "a certain age" and finding yourself crabbing lately about all and sundry? Thinking everything is an affront to you personally?
I've been battling these feelings lately ... a lot. I had begun to fear that, at 52, I might be turning into a full-fledged -- yikes? -- curmudgeon.
So much so that I went to Google, seeking telltale signs of entering this state of mind. And, stumbled onto a wikihow.com list -- "How to Become a Full Fledged Curmudgeon."
"Have you finally given up on becoming a sex god, movie star, billionaire or genius during your life? You may be ready to become a curmudgeon." So begins the post, whose first paragraph ironically appears over an ad trumpeting "Effective birth control."
"Curmudgeons are falsely believed to be grumpy old men .... The truth is we can be any gender or any age. Curmudgeons are supremely independent thinkers, very wise, and have excellent senses of humor!"
Oh really? Naturally I was compelled to check my behavior by the 14-item list of curmudgeonliness earmarks. Edited versions of some follow:
"Curmudgeons are not pleasers! You must not care about being popular or liked." Hmmm. Getting there. My people pleaser-ism clashes with my advancing curmudgeonliness, i.e., saying yes, but wanting to grumble afterward.
"Curmudgeons are not crabby -- that is a myth. We tell the truth, and some people don't like that. Tell Junior what you really think of his writing. Tell Aunt Ida that she's got bad breath." Or in my case, tell Junior that his writing is "interesting" or avoid Aunt Ida.
"Curmudgeons do not shop!" Oh, heck naw. Nothing can take away my love for shopping! Well, except lacking the funds with which to do so. And feet that start to hurt if I'm on them for too long shopping. And crowds. And being unable to find my size.
"Curmudgeons do not like new things .... Find that old thing you used to use, rather than buy something new. Or borrow it!" Oh, but I like new things. That is, when the new thing isn't in the form of some uncomfortable change, like an economic downturn. Or the discontinuation of a favorite restaurant or store item. Or new writing/editing software at work. Or ...
"Curmudgeons dress for comfort! Women -- throw out those tight clothes, high heels and pantyhose. Men -- throw out those white button down shirts, ties and belts. Curmudgeons do not care for the latest styles. Throw away your fashion magazines." Now, I do confess to having some orthotic shoes, but will not give up my fashionable platform stilettos or my maxi dresses. Besides, the latter are perfect when one wants to opt to wear, ahem, knee highs instead of full hosiery.
"Curmudgeons do not go to fitness centers to exercise. If forced to go by your spouse, go when the crowds die down and do not wear spandex! .... Curmudgeons go outside to exercise." A partial truth. I prefer to exercise at home or go for walks with the spouse. But if it weren't for the incorporation of spandex in my exercise wear, I couldn't fit in the stuff.
"Curmudgeons tend to own pets. If you do not already have one, get a dog, cat or parrot (that you can teach to curse). Pets give you something to talk to when you upset the ones you love by being you." No curmudgeonliness in this area. No pets. Why bother when one can talk to (or curse at) one's self?
"Curmudgeons do like to tell good stories. Work up some good short stories ... about interesting experiences you've had or people you've known. Learn how to time them so they are never boring or repetitive." OK, well, what about telling good short stories that are the same every time and don't have an ironic twist? Nah, never mind.
"Curmudgeons have excellent senses of humor." Ah. If I didn't find the humor in things, I'd go nuts. And frankly, going by this definition, the world could use more curmudgeons.
Dagnab it, email me at:
hwilliams@arkansasonline.com
Style on 07/27/2014