"Welcome to the fairy tale that could become a nightmare."
So begins the debut episode of I Wanna Marry Harry.
The reality dating show of false pretense and foolery premiered last Tuesday (earlier than originally scheduled) on the sly Fox network -- the one that aired a similarly shady series, Joe Millionaire, more than a decade ago.
A narrator explains the premise: "These 12 women have come to London, England, looking for true love, when they meet a real prince charming. This could be a true Cinderella story. Only ... it's the prince who's hiding a secret. You see, underneath all the trappings, he's not a prince at all, just an ordinary boy who looks a lot like Prince Harry, fourth in line to the throne."
The man the women kinda-sorta think might-be-maybe Harry is a regular Joe. Well, a regular Matt. Matt Hicks, 23, is described as "single" and "poor" -- skip to a shot of him riding his bike because he has no car. No wait, he has no bike either. He's borrowing those wheels from a friend so he can get to his messy day job of cleaning up oil spills.
His purpose: "I have to convince them I'm Prince Harry, but the goal is for them to like me for who I am." After eight weeks, he'll reveal the truth to his chosen one.
Matt might have no money, prestige and power, "But," the narrator upsells, "he's good-hearted."
Is he? So far we just see a deadbeat, a downright deceitful one at that. OK, admittedly he's kind of cute with an uncanny resemblance to the boyish prince. He has an agreeable British accent. And we can't help but notice, as he gets a crash course in royalty, polo, fencing and forks, that he has -- or is scripted to have -- a cheeky sense of humor.
Oh dear, we're royal flushing over Harry, er, Matt!
We'll just call him Hatt.
The dozen 20-something women have knowingly signed up for this show without knowing the identity of their suitor. So they're ecstatic when they're limo-delivered to a stately, fully staffed English castle (with some truly hideous decorating -- plaid pillow cases, pink lamps and a Union Jack bench in the master suite?).
"WE'RE AT DOWNTON ABBEY!" howls 21-year-old Rose, a preschool teacher, who is forever shrieking. She later explains she teaches deaf children. Still, we wonder if maybe she's not hard of hearing.
They discuss who their suitor could be over what is intended to be an elegant afternoon tea. Sweet if Snookie-esque Kimberly, 23, from New York remarks, "We don't have tea parties where I'm from." And then she makes the Long Island Iced Tea joke we were going to crack.
But at least we can still make an alcohol-related joke at the expense of 24-year-old lush Maggie, constantly kicking back cocktails at the evening masquerade ball. Meghan, 25, remarks that "Maggie drinks a lot, and that's not royal." No, but it's -- drum roll! -- Crown Royal!
Back to Meghan, she's smart, funny and beautiful. We know this because she tells us she's smart, funny and beautiful. She bonds with Anna Lisa, 23, who says, "My occupation is Miss Los Angeles." As if that's an actual occupation. Still, Anna Lisa better hang on to her day crown; she won't be getting another here.
Chelsea, 21, admits, "I hope I really don't sound ignorant saying this, but I don't know what Prince Harry looks like." That doesn't make you ignorant Chelsea. Appearing on such a show makes you ignorant.
Karina, 25, calls herself a "true romantic." We're sure this show will cure her of that. Here's hoping Karina can mend her own broken heart -- she has just graduated with a doctorate in physical therapy.
Also too smart to be here is Carley, 24, a 4.0-GPA pre-medicine student studying cellular molecular biology with an interest in ophthalmology. And an interest in repeating herself. She tells us all that twice.
Leah, 24, quit a very successful career to be here. Cocktail waitress. Then again, we're not sure how much work she got accomplished. Upon receiving a cheek peck greeting from Hatt, she admits to the camera, "The guys I'm used to dating just get me drunk and make out with me in the back of the bar."
Smiley Southern belle Kelley, 24, is always happy (we'll see about that in eight weeks).
And Andrea, 25, is just happy to be away from home. She says her best date was to a casino: "That's about as romantic as it gets in east Texas."
Jacqueline, 25, gets little camera time, except to say she doesn't think Hatt is the real Prince Harry. That ensures Jacqueline will continue to get little camera time.
Hatt, who makes his dramatic helicopter entrance with security detail, meets and charms the women at an elaborate masked masquerade ball complete with fire-eaters. He's coy, careful not to reveal too much: "I don't want to lie outright so the strategy is deflection. I'm going to play the part of the mysterious man." In fact, he reveals nothing -- not even his name -- in the first episode.
Not that loud Rose cares.
"I FEEL LIKE I'VE DIED AND GONE TO FAIRY TALE HEAVEN!" she screams upon being chosen by Hatt as the lucky girl to take residence in the ugly pink crown suite adjacent to his room. And here we thought he was going to dump her. After all, he dissed her for being too noisy and assertive: "American girls don't seem to have inside voices at all. They're loud, in your face, brash, they're really forward."
Instead he chooses to eliminate unemployed bar waitress Leah, who still believes: "There's a prince charming out there for me." Perhaps a whiskey-based Prince of Wales cocktail.
Will Hatt keep his identity concealed? Will he find true love? Will Rose ever stop SHOUTING?
Stay tuned as summer TV's battle royal continues!
It would be noble to email:
jchristman@arkansasonline.com
What's in a Dame is a weekly report from the woman 'hood.
Style on 05/27/2014