Otus the Head Cat

Vilonia Bigfoot incident was hubbub, not riot

An unidentified Bigfoot Conference attendee (right) chats with Bigfoot impressionist Rick Bellamy following last week’s hubbub.
An unidentified Bigfoot Conference attendee (right) chats with Bigfoot impressionist Rick Bellamy following last week’s hubbub.

Dear Otus,

What happened to that guy in the Bigfoot costume who crashed the Arkansas Bigfoot Conference in Vilonia last weekend? I heard there was a near riot and the fellow was hauled off to the pokey.

-- Velma Crookson,

Cabot

Dear Velma,

It was wholly a pleasure to hear from you and to reassure you that reports of a riot were overstated. It was, at most, a misunderstanding and a minor brouhaha.

Of course, a brouhaha can spin out of control to the point of being an uproar or a full-blown hubbub. Let's go with hubbub for the Vilonia incident.

Regardless of how you characterize it, noted Bigfoot impressionist Rick Bellamy of Hot Springs did spend several hours in the Cabot city jail.

Bellamy is a 7-foot-3-inch Rogers native who briefly played semi-pro basketball in the Northern European Basketball League (now the Baltic Basketball League) until a series of injuries ended his promising career.

In a 2002 game against Lithuania's BC Zalgiris (the "Mighty Green and White"), Bellamy tore his left anterior and posterior cruciate ligaments and his right lateral meniscus. He also sprained his medial collateral ligament and dislocated his tibia-femoral joint.

Bellamy now makes a good living putting on 18-inch stilts and moonlighting as a Bigfoot "impressionist" (he dislikes the term impersonator) at Bigfoot conventions, bar mitzvahs and children's parties.

He even officiated at a destination wedding in Washington state where all the guests came as Sasquatch hunters and the bride and groom wore his-and-hers Bigfoot outfits.

Last week's conference hubbub happened because organizers failed to notify Vilonia police that Bellamy was scheduled for a surprise performance at the end of the event. As the attendees left the conference, Bellamy emerged from behind the Arkansas Municipal Building on Bise Road and bellowed.

The estimated crowd of 867 had been whipped into a frenzy by thrilling tales of Bigfoot sightings by conference speakers.

Most notable was J. Robert Swain of the Alliance of Independent Bigfoot Researchers (AIBR) and Arkansas Primate Evidence Society (APES). Swain had raised the tension in the hall by detailing how Arkansas has become a hotbed of Bigfoot contact. There have been many recent reports of tree knocks, vocalizations and rock clacks.

According to the Bigfoot Field Researchers Organization (BFRO), two significant Class A sightings occurred just last year in Pulaski and Marion counties. The former was reported by a motorist who saw a large bipedal animal squatting at night beside Interstate 40 near Marche. The latter was from a motorist who observed three Sasquatch crossing in front of him at night east of Harrison.

It's no wonder the Vilonia attendees panicked and began chasing Bellamy. He ran behind the nearby McDonald's and then barricaded himself inside a storage shed near the football stadium of Vilonia High School on Eagle Street.

Conference attendee Mike Robertson of Beebe described the creature as "9 feet tall, covered in matted fur and reeking of rancid, putrid, aprocrinal lasagna and an Amorphophallus titanum plant."

For the record, Beverly says he gets his Bigfoot scent from Tink's No. 69 Doe-In-Rut buck lure ($21.18 at Wal-Mart).

Vilonia police arrested Bellamy for public endangerment and impersonating a Sasquatch, a Class C misdemeanor in Faulkner County ever since that unfortunate incident in 2004 involving Alpha Sigma Tau fraternity at the University of Central Arkansas. The misdemeanor is punishable by a fine of up to $500 and 90 days in jail.

Police were briefly considering additional charges of terroristic threatening, endangering public welfare, malicious and willful hooliganism, animal cruelty, collecting child phrenology, littering, public effulgence and practicing unlicensed numismatism.

Conference organizers finally arrived and sorted it all out. Undaunted, Bellamy says he'll continue his Bigfoot career and is next booked at the CryptidFest in Eureka Springs on May 8-9.

Until next time, Kalaka suggests instead of hubbubbing, you immediately report any mysterious sightings to the Arkansas Sasquatch Hotline, (501) 374-1110.

Disclaimer

Fayetteville-born Otus the Head Cat's award-winning column of humorous fabrication appears every Saturday. Email:

mstorey@arkansasonline.com

HomeStyle on 05/02/2015

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