Yee-haw! Bravo's Real Housewives franchise done put on its cowgirl boots and line-danced its way on down to Texas!
The Real Housewives of Dallas premiered last week (new shows at 9 p.m. Mondays; full episodes at bravotv.com). And as cast members would declare several times during the hour-long debut: "Everything's bigger in Texas!"
Like the disappointment.
I've watched every franchise of the Housewives: Orange County. New York. Atlanta. New Jersey. Beverly Hills. Miami. Melbourne. I even endured that sad, one-season D.C. installment starring the crazy White House Party Crasher chick who dumped her creepy husband to run off with a member of Journey. Admittedly, I haven't caught up with Potomac yet, but to quote the aforementioned Journey, "Don't Stop Believin'."
While they have their subtle nuances (except for Jersey; there's nothing subtle about Jersey), they're exactly alike. Same squabbles, different scenery. Same implants, different inflection. Surely the rich of ranchy, rugged, oil-riggy Dallas would be unique! Instead of shouting matches, the hardy, big-of-hair babes in the bunch would just settle disputes with shootouts. And the old-money honeys would just "Bless your heart" each other to a passive-aggressive passing.
But the first episode didn't feel like Dallas. It felt like Do-Gooderville. All the women talked about was charity, charity, charity. Had that been the designated word for a RHOD drinking game, I would have been completely destroyed on "Jesus Juice" (that Dallas-ism for wine is these ladies' other favorite saying).
Here are the Dallas housewives:
Cary Deuber: This mom is not really from Texas (she's from Connecticut and spent her childhood in Ohio). And she's not really a housewife (she's a nurse who assists her plastic surgeon husband). And that makes her not really interesting so far. Wait, the doctor is her third husband? Perhaps Nurse Deuber has more baggage to "Cary" than meets the falsely lashed eye.
Tiffany Hendra: This alleged former model and actress was previously known (or not known) as Tiffany Bolton. The most interesting item in her short IMDB.com profile is an appearance in the 1994 movie Walker Texas Ranger 3: Deadly Reunion. She says her husband, an aspiring Aussie musician who looks like Keith Urban and is completely out of place in Dallas, saved her when she hit rock bottom. Speaking of bottom, we've read rumors about her adult film past.
Brandi Redmond: This former Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader has retired her pompoms, but the stay-at-home mom and wife who lives in Plano is still shaking things up on the Dallas social scene. The fiery redhead is active in several charities, which appears to mean she actively attends parties and mocks people she deems charity cases (like LeeAnne, below).
Stephanie Hollman: Brandi's blonde bestie lives with her rich husband and kids on the golf course of the Four Seasons resort. Formerly a small-town girl from Oklahoma, she jokes that she used to think that meant spring, summer, fall and winter -- ha! Hey, at least I saved you from her constant scatological jokes. For a woman who lives on a golf course, she sure is obsessed with, um, fertilizer.
LeeAnne Locken: The self-proclaimed "Mouth of the South" comes by it honestly. After all, she was a "carny kid" who grew up on the carnival circuit. Now she's on the reality TV circuit; she has starred in TV Land's modeling competition She's Got the Look and the former Style network's Big Rich Texas. She stops rambling about charity only long enough to reference Brandi's immaturity, saying with a sniff, "It's a little Plano in here." Having never experienced Plano, I have no idea what that means. But still, I recognize a delicious dig when I hear one. I will use it every opportunity I get.
For just one moment, LeeAnne made me stop longing for the original real housewives of Dallas: Miss Ellie, Pamela and Sue Ellen Ewing.
It's a little Plano in here without your email:
jchristman@arkansasonline.com
What's in a Dame is a weekly report from the woman 'hood. You can hear Jennifer on Little Rock's KURB-FM, B98.5 (B98.com), from 5:30-9 a.m. Monday through Friday.
Style on 04/19/2016