Q My ex has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. He's fine when he takes his medicine, but when he doesn't, he's extremely unpredictable and he scares me a little. That's the reason we broke up -- I never knew what to expect. Lately he's been contacting me with a lot of "remember whens" and I sort of feel like he's stalking me. I don't want to go back to him, but I'm afraid to tell him. What's good ex-etiquette?
A People are often afraid of mental illness because they don't understand the diagnosis, so the first thing I would suggest is to educate yourself. There are millions of people in the world with a similar diagnosis and they lead healthy, happy, productive lives. The proper medication is a major component, however, and if your ex is not med compliant, he could very well be unpredictable.
That said, this doesn't mean your ex isn't dangerous. There's a fine art to breaking up, and being afraid to tell someone something is a huge red flag, with or without a mental health diagnosis.
Referring to the rules of good ex-etiquette (when no children are in the picture), make sure you aren't sending mixed messages because you're afraid. (Ex-etiquette rule No. 4: "Set clear boundaries.") When people want to let someone down easy they often tell them they want to remain friends. Telling him you want to be his friend, but not a lover, could give him false hope and an excuse to stay in contact. If you don't want to continue any sort of relationship, tactfully say so. If you do want to continue and he's unpredictable when he doesn't take his medication, your clear boundary would be for him to stay med compliant to continue any sort of interaction.
The bigger question is why you are talking to him at all if you don't have any intention of rekindling your relationship. The fear of irrational behavior in this day and age is very real, but it may be time to own your stuff (ex-etiquette rule No. 1) and realize that you could be causing some of this by sending mixed messages.
This means you may have to come right out and say, "Please don't contact me anymore." Not, "Please don't contact me for a while." That, again, gives him the idea you may be around at some point and if that is not your intent, don't say it. (Ex-etiquette rule No. 8: "Be honest and straightforward.")
If you have truly broken up, it's not necessary to respond to every text, voice mail or social media post. Changing your phone number could nip all that in the bud.
Finally, if anyone ever fears cutting off contact abruptly could make someone act irrationally and safety is a concern, report any questionable behavior to the police. Be honest with them as well so that they can give you specific ideas for the proper behavior in your case. Keep good records and if a restraining order is suggested, follow their advice. Unfortunately, if things have progressed to "stalking," that would be considered very good ex-etiquette.
Jann Blackstone is the author of Ex-Etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce or Separation, and the founder of Bonus Families -- bonusfamilies.com. Contact her at
drjannblackstone@gmail.com
Family on 08/31/2016