For sale: a once-in-a-lifetime real estate opportunity!
The Playboy Mansion! For just a mere $200 million you can tear it down! Er, we mean, tear up the town! That's it! Sure, the acreage might be worth less than half of that, but consider the history!
This isn't just any estate in Los Angeles' exclusive Holmby Hills. This 5-acre Gothic Tudor property, as seen on the E! Channel's The Girls Next Door, is the party palace extraordinaire, with 29 rooms -- plenty of space for your surgically endowed harem!
And it's animal-friendly, too -- and not just for Playboy bunnies. The home with a rare zoo license, not to mention aviaries and exotic animal pens, has seen its share of pets, outside and inside.
Holly Madison wrote about the mansion's pet population in her memoir Down the Rabbit Hole: Curious Adventures and Cautionary Tales of a Former Playboy Bunny.
"In passing, the mansion looks decadent, but when taking the time to truly look at some of the nooks and crannies, it's amazing how neglected it was. ... At the time, there were nine dogs living in the mansion ... and the ancient yellow carpeting on the grand staircase was covered in urine stains."
In other words, it's, uh, comfortably lived-in!
Expect unique fixtures in the living quarters, Madison writes: "All of the bedrooms contained mismatched, beat-up furniture."
In other words, it's, um, shabby chic!
And the lush, gated home has all the posh amenities a life of luxury demands. There's a storied swimming pool and grotto, gym, commercial and outdoor kitchens, a tennis court and a wine cellar.
Why, there's even a theater room to impress all your friends and hangers-on!
Madison writes, "It was pretty cool, but it also was sort of bizarre because oftentimes celebrities or other important Hollywood power players would join us for the screenings and be relegated to spending roughly two hours squirming in uncomfortable metal folding chairs.
"For being a super upscale home, it wasn't without its downscale touches."
In other words, it's, uh, unstuffy and accessible!
And if your visitors would like to stay, they can always sleep over at your mansion's quaint guesthouse!
Madison writes the guesthouse "could have been described 'as Grandma's attic meets rent-by-the-hour motel.'" It was designed to be a "charming, early American cottage, but over the years the theme fell apart. What was left was dark, dingy and depressing."
In other words it's, er, dimly lit and antique!
Sounds like just the place for you to raze. We mean a place where you can raise the roof! Party!
It's a place where you can really relax. In fact, longtime owner Hugh Hefner practically lived in his pajamas and smoking robe. And he was always encouraging others to take off their, well, binding garments, and stay a while. It's truly a place you will never want to leave!
In fact, the owner doesn't want to leave. And he won't. When you buy the mansion, the 89-year-old Hefner conveys, or comes with the house, as a lifetime renter. An annoyance? No! Think of it as someone who's always home to keep an eye on the place.
And you might even get a bonus person. That's if his 29-year-old wife, Crystal Harris, conveys with the property too. We're not sure if she's still around; she might have decided to haul assets now that Hef's magazine empire (which recently stopped publishing nude photos, as circulation continues to dwindle) appears to be collapsing.
Oh, it's not collapsing! It's reorganizing. At least according to Playboy CEO Scott Flanders, who insists this is a measure to "reinvest in the transformation of our business." He adds, "The Playboy Mansion has been a creative center for Hef as his residence and workplace for the past 40 years, as it will continue to be if the property is sold."
If you believe that, we have a $200 million teardown to sell you.
Hugh should email:
jchristman@arkansasonline.com
Spin Cycle is a weekly smirk at popular culture. You can hear Jennifer on Little Rock's KURB-FM, "B98.5" (B98.com), from 5:30-9 a.m. Monday through Friday.
Style on 01/17/2016