DEAR JEANNE & LEONARD: My brother has been divorced for more than 30 years. His ex-wife has been living with him platonically for most of that time, but according to him I'm the beneficiary on his bank accounts. The problem is, he has never updated his will and trust following his divorce, meaning our now-deceased parents remain listed as his executors and beneficiaries. Also, it's possible his ex's name remains on the house they bought when they were married (they still live in it). Shouldn't he be seeing a lawyer and updating his affairs? I've tried broaching the subject with him, but he seems uninterested.
-- Loyal Sister
DEAR SISTER: Is it possible your brother thinks you're just a tad too interested? You're right that he'd do well to consult with an attorney to make certain his decades-old will and trust reflect his current wishes. But bear in mind, documents such as these almost always name successor executors and beneficiaries, and your brother may be perfectly well satisfied with the person or persons named to replace your parents.
Had his divorce been acrimonious, you'd be justified in pressing him to check with a lawyer and confirm that his ex-wife isn't going to profit from his passing. But as he remains so friendly with his ex, there's no reason for you to sound an alarm. Unless you believe your brother is somehow being taken advantage of, or unless he has solicited your involvement in his affairs, his will and his trust -- like his platonic relationship -- are off limits.
DEAR JEANNE & LEONARD: Friends with whom we normally exchange small Christmas presents made a contribution to a homeless shelter in our honor rather than give us a gift this year. We're fine with that -- it's not like we needed another Christmas tree ornament or set of coasters. It turns out, though, that this couple did the same thing with all of their friends, and now they're bragging nonstop about how they felt the needs of the poor should outweigh "the pervasive materialism of Christmas." We're sick of them acting so superior, and wonder if there's anything we can or should say.
-- Feeling Cranky
DEAR CRANKY: As if nothing cries out "materialism" more than a Christmas tree ornament. Oh, please.
Far be it from us to take exception to supporting a homeless shelter. But your friends' donation to one isn't much of a gift to you, especially if they keep on taking bows for it. You'll probably sound as cranky as you feel if you point that out to them, though, so try to grin and bear it. Then next fall, you can tell them you've gotten too old for Santa Claus and you feel it's time to stop exchanging presents. Trust us, you won't be their only friends to make this proposal.
P.S. Were these guys so anti-materialistic that they refused whatever gift you gave them and asked you to return it and donate the proceeds to charity? ... Just wondering.
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Family on 01/27/2016