Q It seems every chance my ex gets he's telling my son what a terrible person I am. I had an affair and we broke up. It has gotten to the point where my son refuses to see him, and of course my ex thinks I'm the one putting our son up to it. I swear I am not, and I don't know how to get it through to his father that the badmouthing is hurting our son. How do I get him to stop? What's good ex etiquette?
A Asking how to stop badmouthing is one of the most common questions I'm asked -- and the reason I included, "Don't badmouth," as one of the 10 rules of good ex-etiquette for parents. When I have confronted parents about badmouthing I've been told everything from, "It's no big deal; they will forget" to justifications for their behavior because they think their children should understand what a miserable louse their father (or mother) really is.
Children don't forget when their parents badmouth each other, and having the sense that your parent is a louse rarely helps a child to grow up secure and at peace. Some children feel they have to protect the victim of the badmouthing and stop wanting to interact with the parent who badmouths. Others become alienated just as the badmouthing parent had hoped. Either way, it's very difficult to overcome the damage, and unless the other parent is severely mentally ill, abusive or active in addiction, a child is rarely better off without him or her.
"Well," I've heard hundreds of times, "Do you want me to lie to my child?"
No, but you certainly don't have to volunteer all the graphic details. Nor do you have to refer to your ex in a derogatory way. I can't count how many children have told me that one parent has labeled their other by some pejorative on their phone ID. Each time the phone rings and the child sees it, he's crushed a little more. Even though words are not said, that's badmouthing and labeling it as bad ex-etiquette is an understatement.
How do you get your ex to stop? You can rarely "get" anyone to do anything, but I've found education is the only answer. I hope he doesn't know what he's doing, and when educated, stops. For example, you can initiate counseling for your son and the counselor can integrate dad into your son's therapy. Dad can then hear firsthand what his badmouthing is doing -- from the therapist and from your son, and you don't even have to be present.
Finally, although affairs are morally questionable, I have not seen a court stop a child from seeing a parent because a parent has had an affair. I have seen a court refuse visits because the parent so severely badmouthed the other that it was determined to be emotional abuse. The main goal is to love your child more than you hate the ex.
Jann Blackstone is the author of Ex-Etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce or Separation, and the founder of Bonus Families -- bonusfamilies.com. Contact her at
drjannblackstone@gmail.com
Family on 07/20/2016