DEAR JEANNE & LEONARD: When I was in high school, my mother -- swearing me to secrecy -- revealed that she was planning to divorce my father and that she had begun siphoning some of their money into a bank account in her sister's name. She told me this because, she said, she needed to talk to someone, and I was the only person she could trust. Well, after I finished college, my parents filed for divorce, and it has become increasingly acrimonious. Their main battle is over money, and I feel uncomfortable knowing that my mother has this secret stash that should be included in their settlement. What should I do?
-- Amanda
DEAR AMANDA: Shame on your mother for dragging you into her scheme, and shame on her for claiming she had no one else to talk to, when obviously she had her sister. Under these circumstances, you have no obligation to keep her secret, especially since the secret was forced upon you and unfairly compromised your loyalty to your father. Plus, you have no obligation to keep a secret when doing so means aiding and abetting dishonorable behavior, particularly if it's at someone else's expense.
So what should you do? Talk to your mother, and insist that she come clean. We realize that the emotional blow-back from the confrontation could be unpleasant. But you're an adult now, and you shouldn't let the fear of your mother's reaction, whatever it may be, deter you from following your conscience.
DEAR JEANNE & LEONARD: Ten years ago, my mother, then in her early 50s, married a much wealthier older man. At his insistence she quit her job, which meant she became completely dependent on him financially. Like my mother, this man has adult children from a previous marriage, and I have good reason to believe he plans to leave his money to them (he insisted that Mom sign a prenuptial agreement). Since Mom has very little money of her own, I tried asking her husband what will happen to her when he dies. But he was very evasive and would say only not to worry. What should I do? I am worried. I'm afraid my mother could end up penniless in her old age.
-- Ryan
DEAR RYAN: You're right to be concerned, but you're barking up the wrong tree. While it would have been nice for you had your mother's husband been more forthcoming, he doesn't owe a stepson a review of his estate plans. But he is obligated to tell his wife what his will says. So the person you should be asking about your stepfather's plans is your mother. And if she doesn't know what they are, she should make it a point to find out.
Since your mother gave up her job at her husband's insistence, he has a strong moral obligation to see that she'll always be financially secure, regardless of what the prenuptial says. If your mother can't confirm that her husband's will reflects this obligation, she should consider hiring a lawyer to explore what her options are.
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Family on 07/27/2016