Q I recently met and married a great woman with an 11-year-old son who has been diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome. He is very high-functioning and polite, intelligent, etc. The problem is he is extremely messy and absent-minded. He leaves for school 10 minutes after we leave for work and he leaves every single light on. One day when we came home, the refrigerator door was wide open and all the food was spoiled. Another time, he left the front door wide open all day -- luckily, nothing was stolen. I know what you're thinking: Why is this 11-year-old being left to go to school by himself? Because he is high-functioning, and his mother trusts him.
I know this is harsh, but if I would have known, I would not have taken all this on. What's good ex-etiquette?
A There's so much here I really don't know where to start, but the most obvious is you said, "If I would have known . . ." My first question to you: Why didn't you know? You didn't mention how long you dated this woman, but I can't imagine she kept her son or his diagnosis a secret. It sounds as if you met this woman, married her and -- oh yeah -- there's this sort of quirky kid who comes along with the package. Whoops. That's not the way it works. Bad ex-etiquette.
For the record, Asperger's syndrome used to be singled out as a higher-functioning form of autism, but in 2013, the American Psychiatric Association replaced it all with the umbrella diagnosis of "autism spectrum disorder." Children with Asperger's have a difficult time picking up on social cues, may lack common social skills and dislike any changes in routine -- just to name some of the more common characteristics. Even if your wife's son didn't have an Asperger's diagnosis, you have to have a strategy for integrating family members when combining families. Check out the before exercise on bonusfamilies.com/before. Key word here is before. Then you move in and get married. Not the other way around.
I'm not just calling you out. Mom -- more than you -- understood the trials and the rewards associated with raising a special needs child. That she trusts her son to be home by himself is concerning. I'm not so sure I would leave an 11-year-old without such a diagnosis alone to get himself off to school. That her son has left the front door and refrigerator open proves securing the house and getting to school is too much responsibility at this point in his life. By not creating a safer environment, Mom is setting him up for failure. (Not to mention what it's doing to your relationship.)
He may need more stringent boundaries for him to be successful. Don't take over. (Ex-etiquette rule No. 4: "Parents make the rules; bonus parents uphold them.") But you shouldn't be afraid to offer some well-researched suggestions.
It sounds like you and his mother need to contact a therapist for two reasons: one, to get direction about dealing with a child with Asperger's from a professional well-versed in the diagnosis. Two, marital counseling to help you better communicate about your expectations for your relationship. Don't put it off. The longer you wait, the more frustrated you will become, and the less likely you will make a go of it. Get help. That's good ex-etiquette.
Jann Blackstone is the author of Ex-Etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce or Separation, and the founder of Bonus Families -- bonusfamilies.com. Contact her at
drjannblackstone@gmail.com
Family on 05/04/2016