Special delivery from . . . none of your business: As if the Americans don't have enough clues about our whereabouts. What was that buzzing noise? I haven't seen the sun for ages, and I'm not about to go outside now. But I've heard the drones make a buzzing noise the closer they get.
(Ahem.) First, intros.
In the name of the Merciful, the Beneficent, I send affectionate greetings, death and destruction to those interested in joining our thinning ranks. You'll forgive me if this isn't posted on Facebook, or Twittered, or Something-grammed. Tomorrow we may be using carbon paper. The blasted Americans claim to have made progress, a lot of progress, in the so-called Cyberwar against ISIS in Syria and Iraq, may it continue to rule not only this caliphate but soon enough the world. So what if the American press is full of stories about how ISIS is fizzling out (is that how the American reporters put it?) and how the Cyberwar against us is largely working? You know how the media lie.
And, no, it's not true at all that our ranks are thinning because fighting on our side has turned into a no-win situation. Lies! Slander! Criticism! Boy, reporters working for us know what's good for them, and know what to print. How can western governments operate efficiently with all the press infidels printing what's happening? But I digress. Again.
This is only a temporary lull in recruiting for ISIS. Soon enough we'll be marching through the streets of Baghdad, then Cairo, then Rome, then rotting American hovels like Washington and New York. That is, as soon as recruiting picks up again. (Was that buzzing?)
Recruiting is fine. Come see for yourself! Join ISIS now and see how fun it is to sleep in a different spot every night. And often times on a bed! You, too, can make tens of dollars a year fighting the Americans, who surely won't keep up this much pressure for very long. (Why won't the infidels learn that if they just stop defending themselves, we'll stop killing them? Eventually.)
And don't let age keep you from experiencing martyrdom! We don't card. In fact, ISIS has filled the streets of our still-held strongholds with teenagers. And younger! That's a sign not of desperation but of diversity! Young people can be so easily persuaded to stand at a checkpoint with some semblance of a weapon against F-22 Raptors or B-2 Stealth bombers. Older people tend to put the gun down and walk away when the going gets loud.
No child left behind! We still control Mosul and Raqqa, or most of them, and word around the campfire is that the allies are closing in on both. Slowly but oh-so-bloody surely. Which is why Uncle ISIS needs you! Not for cannon fodder, not at all. But to help us celebrate the glorious and soon-to-be-celebrated victory over the infidel that we will leave rotting in the desert for our dogs to--
Was that a buzzing?
Forget what you see in those lying reports. And on social media. Don't listen to the American press. Or the British press. Or French or Greek or Italian or Egyptian or Iraqi or Jordanian. They just want to keep all of us good warriors fighting for the caliphate down while they steal our oil, defile our religious sites, and stare luridly at our women. They can't be trusted. Me you can trust.
Once you've helped defeat the allies, proper order will be restored to the Middle East, and adjacent areas, that is, the world. Where once again we will rule with our own delicate touch. In the meantime, you'll get to know one of the most storied places in the world, where the sun bakes and the bugs bite and tomorrow is never guaranteed. Not with those drones in the air and those allied soldiers closing in from every direction and special forces creeping over the walls and turncoats giving us up for mere life and where is Omar and sand in the rifles and buzzing sounds all the time--
Anyway, sleep on it. I can promise you death and destruction and general chaos once you arrive.
Signed,
ISIS Big Cheese (recently promoted)
Editorial on 09/15/2016