Remember when people used to feel ashamed after lounging around watching nonstop television?
Now they feel superior. ("Man, I just re-watched all six seasons of The Walking Dead in six days, so I can be ready for season 7 in October -- and now I'm like the waking dead!")
With the evolution of "binge-watching" -- a new active name for an old lazy pursuit -- idling all day staring at a screen is considered ideal viewing.
I only recently got on board with binge-watching. Oh sure, I've wasted many a day bumming about during basic cable marathons. But that was a passive pastime. This new method, which I tested during a three-day stretch of viewing season 1 of Netflix's retro Steven-Spielberg-and-Stephen King-ish thriller Stranger Things (plot: "When a young boy vanishes, a small town uncovers a mystery involving secret experiments, terrifying supernatural forces and one strange little girl") is much more planned, more purposeful. One must adequately prepare for it.
After brushing up on binging, I offer some tips for beginners:
1. Take the advice of your social circle.
Collect suggestions by asking your buds which series they are enjoying these days. After all, they clearly have great taste -- they are friends with you!
2. Dump all your so-called friends.
During the first episode (or first five, as it was in our case), you'll certainly find yourself wondering: "Who recommended this rubbish anyway?" "Why in the world would anyone waste eight whole hours of their lives watching this?" "I'll never be able to trust those friends again! What did I ever see in them anyway? I have got to meet some new people!" And that's because series, no matter how successful, never live up to the hype heaped upon them by someone fresh out of a binge-watching bender.
3. Start small.
Choose a series that's in its first season. Starting with a legacy streaming series like House of Cards (four whole seasons at 13 episodes each equals 52 hours!) is likely to overwhelm. Starting with, say, Stranger Things with eight mere episodes is much easier to digest. Speaking of digest, wow Eleven -- that's the girl in Stranger Things -- sure can eat some waffles, can't she?
4. But start with a big block of time.
One mere hour or two isn't going to cut it. Allot a full weekend afternoon -- and maybe that evening too -- to getting fully involved in the story line. It took us three episodes to stop hating it, a fourth to merely dislike it and then a fifth to get ambivalent about it. That's when I posted on Facebook: We're 5/8 of the way through Stranger Things. Exactly when are we supposed to love it and think it's the best series ever? #notreallyfeelingit."
5. Stock up.
Have all the food and drinks (but not too many drinks, lest you need too many bathroom breaks! You might miss when Stranger Things reveals whatever happened to Barb! Seriously? What? Happened? To? Barb?!) you are going to need. But no matter what snacks you have stashed, a recurring product placement will lead to uncontrollable cravings you can't fulfill without a midbinge trip to the store. Those aren't just any waffles Eleven is inhaling yet again. They're -- mmm -- Eggos.
6. Tune out.
Have everyone take a vow of silence before watching it. And then break it, blurting out observations like, "Doesn't this take place in the '80s? People didn't say 'Bite me!' back then!" And "Why doesn't Winona Ryder's character just take the Christmas lights from the store? We know she's no stranger to stealing!" Phones must be on silent, but they must be kept near in case of emergencies. (Barb? Is that you, Barb? Where are you, Barb?)
7. Get hooked.
The strangest thing happened with Stranger Things: We didn't love it after five episodes, yet we couldn't wait to resume watching it. We devoured two more episodes our next available night, and then regretted it would be two more whole days before we'd get a chance to watch the final episode. And when it was over, we felt a peculiar sense of abandonment. We spent so much time with these people in their world, we got attached. And now we mourned the loss of our most favoritest show that we still aren't sure we even liked all that much. It was really kind of upside down.
Wait, we need to know more about the Upside Down. You can't leave us now, Stranger Things!
If you see Barb, have her email:
jchristman@arkansasonline.com
What's in a Dame is a smirk at pop culture. You can hear Jennifer on Little Rock's KURB-FM, B98.5 (B98.com), from 5:30-9 a.m. Monday through Friday.
Style on 09/20/2016