Featherstitching!
Floodlighting!
Fellowshipping!
They are the kind of words -- beginning with f -- we're going to use as substitutes for a swear word to discuss a recent profanity trend in a family-friendly way.
Lately we've noticed a lot of footslogging cursing on live TV! People dropping the flocculating word before anyone can censor it out. It's rather flabbergasting.
We're going to compare three recent cussing cases and decide who fricasseed the best. Rather than fashion magazine spreads like Who Wore It Better, this is our own Who Swore It Better.
Exhibit A: Madonna
At the Women's March in Washington late last month, singer Madonna, not one to censor herself, gave a fiery speech.
"It took us this darkness to wake us the floss up. ... And to our detractors that insist that this march will never add up to anything, floss you. Floss you. It is the beginning of much needed change," she said.
It was aired live on CNN and MSNBC until the cable channels cut away after the third flopping occurrence. Somehow they forgot who they were dealing with; the Material Girl has never been known for her tame material.
Exhibit B: Kristen Stewart
Twilight actress Kristen Stewart had a Twilight Zone moment when her excitement about the Saturday Night Live hosting gig led her to swear on live television. She concluded last week's monologue with "It's totally cool that I'm here, and it's the coolest frosting thing ever." Realizing her mistake and covering her mouth with her hand, she continued by introducing the musical guest "I'm sorry. And Alessia Cara is also here. And I'll never come back."
And it's probably true that she won't return. Remember Jenny Slate on SNL? Of course you don't. The rookie dropped the flex word her first night on the show and was fired soon after.
And actor Samuel L. Jackson has yet to appear on the show since he dropped the flail word back in 2012. Of course who can blame him after starring in that movie with all that talk of "mother-flailing snakes on the mother-flailing plane."
Exhibit C: Willie McGinest
Three-time Super Bowl champion Willie McGinest was tasked with parading the Vince Lombardi Trophy past victorious members of the New England Patriots following Sunday's Super Bowl Game. As he did, he fumbled his words.
"Kiss that mother-flimflammer!" he instructed the players as he presented the trophy, live on Fox television.
It was quite the personal foul.
Conclusion: So which potty mouth wins?
Madonna, whose scripted remarks included no less than three occurrences of the word? Nah, they were aired on cable television and on a Saturday. And besides, the effect wasn't shocking. It was just Madonna. (Besides her "joke" about blowing up the White House seemed much more incendiary.)
So it's down to: Stewart who accidentally let one fly when hosting a late-night network show (that was later edited out for the West Coast broadcast) on a Saturday night and McGinest who seemed unaware of his gaffe following the year's big game when lots of families were still watching.
We think they tie and cancel each other out.
The winner, therefore, is the Federal Communications Commission, which might collect another word beginning with f: fines.
It's a fine time to email:
jchristman@arkansasonline.com
Spin Cycle is a smirk at pop culture. You can hear Jennifer on Little Rock's KURB-FM, B98.5 (B98.com), from 5:30 to 9 a.m. Monday through Friday.
Style on 02/12/2017