DEAR JEANNE & LEONARD: I am the trustee for an 80-something widower who has begun to slip mentally. I look after his money and, more generally, his welfare. "Frank" has four children. One, "Adam" -- a would-be novelist -- lives with his father and looks after Dad to a degree (he does some cooking and cleaning). The other three children have long been on their own, and they resent their brother for living off their father. (He doesn't hold a job and pays none of the household expenses.) I'm writing because the three self-sufficient children want me to kick Adam out of their father's house, while Adam is equally adamant about staying. I'm inclined to take Adam's side because, even now, he's something of a caretaker for his father, meaning he is contributing to the household. Moreover, I believe his contribution will grow in importance as Frank continues to fail, since professional caretakers can be very expensive. Your thoughts?
-- Herb
DEAR HERB: No one likes a parasite. So it's not hard to understand why Adam's siblings are critical of him and why they're slow to appreciate the current benefit of having him live with their father. Plus, they're probably worried -- and not without cause -- that when Frank ultimately moves to a caregiving facility or dies, Adam will expect to remain in the house.
That said, you're right to focus on the advantages Adam's presence represents for his father, and not on his siblings' resentment. Not only does Adam's cooking and cleaning make Frank's life easier, but his residing there may allow Frank to live at home longer than he otherwise might. Still, your hope that Adam will obviate the need for professional caregivers seems overly optimistic. Come the point when Frank requires time-consuming, nuts-and-bolts care, how likely is Adam to set aside his novel and roll up his sleeves? For that matter, does he have the temperament, let alone the will, to be a full-time caretaker? Our point is: Don't bet that Adam represents a lasting solution to Frank's long-term needs.
The bottom line is that what Adam's brothers want and what Adam wants is irrelevant. You should do what you believe Frank would want you to do and what you believe to be in his best interests. That's why he picked you to be his trustee.
DEAR JEANNE & LEONARD: I need money, so I'm planning to sell some of the things I inherited from my grandmother. These items have no particular significance for me, but I know my sister would love to have them. The problem is, she doesn't have much money either. What should I do?
-- A.S.
DEAR A.S.: Assuming you're close to your sister and prepared to sacrifice a bit for her, how about giving her one item and selling the others? Or you could offer her a bargain price on a few pieces. If your grandmother's things are that important to her, your sister ought to be able to downscale her cellphone or cable plan or otherwise economize in order to pay you for them.
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Family on 10/18/2017