All I want is to be left alone in my average home.
But why do I always feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone?
-- Rockwell, "Somebody's Watching Me"
Remember Rockwell?
He had that one 1984 hit. With Michael Jackson, The King of Pop himself, on backing vocals of all things! Surely Rockwell, the somebody behind "Somebody's Watching Me," had to be a somebody. And he was -- and he still is; he's still alive and well, although his career might not be.
Rockwell -- born Kennedy William Gordy -- is a son of legendary music producer Berry Gordy, responsible for The Jackson 5, The Supremes, Stevie Wonder and everyone else as seen in Motown the Musical. (Have I mentioned recently that my side hustle is working for KURB-FM, B98.5 -- "Today's Hits and Yesterday's Favorites"?)
Rockwell's paranoia anthem is the perfect theme song for today, Halloween, as well as a week from now when something else extremely spoooooooky will happen.
Strangers. Invading. Your. Home. AAAAACK!
Let's back up. On the first of this very month, I wrote about Wal-Mart testing a plan to not only deliver groceries to residences, but -- if the recipient is away -- come inside via smart lock and put groceries away.
Now yet another retailer wants to make itself at home in our homes: Amazon.
The company announced last week that beginning Nov. 8, its new Amazon Key service will be rolled out to select cities (not Little Rock or Fayetteville, according to a search: "Amazon Key is not yet available in your ZIP code. Check back as we expand to more areas.").
Here's the key to Amazon Key: The service, offered to Prime members, allows delivery personnel to let themselves into a home and place packages inside, safeguarding them from porch piracy.
In other words, the service protects your property from strangers ... by having strangers in your property.
But opening your home to unknowns doesn't come cheap. First, there's the $99 a year Prime membership fee. Then it's an additional $249.99 to buy the in-home kit that includes an Amazon Cloud Cam indoor security camera and a compatible smart lock, which both will require installation (at least that is free, along with shipping). The camera does offer other features such as front-door monitoring and access for trusted friends without leaving a key under the flowerpot.
You too, Amazon? Why do you want to get into our homes and get all up in our personal space? As if you weren't already in our business with that snooping Echo named Alexa, who is always listening. That is, she's listening unless we actually want her to do something like tell the weather, set an alarm or turn on a lamp, and then she plays dumb: "Sorry, your Echo lost its connection to the internet."
What I'm having trouble connecting with: opening my empty house to someone I haven't met. Even if real-time notifications are sent. Even if I can watch the delivery as it's happening or view a video clip later. After all, monitoring equipment fails (right now my alarm app swears the garage is open when I slammed, locked and triple-checked it), and so do background checks.
Maybe your Amazon purchases are really special. Mine are cat food. (Well, "special" grain-free cat food that's surely a marketing ploy and no better at ensuring they're fe-line fine.) If such packages are stolen, it's ultimately no big deal.
But if my beloved indoor girls got out, thanks to careless delivery folk, that would be a major cat-astrophe.
Besides, what's to stop someone from snatching all the other non-Amazon deliveries off my porch ... or jumping the delivery guy as he's entering my house ... or breaking in and stealing the Amazon packages placed right inside the front door?
And what's the holdup with availability here? Because as I'm questioning Amazon Key now, I know myself. I'll eventually cave and have to have it. Just as I did with Amazon Prime. And Alexa.
Isn't that right, Alexa?
"Sorry, I'm having trouble understanding you right now."
Keyed up? Email:
jchristman@arkansasonline.com
What's in a Dame is a weekly report from the woman 'hood. You can hear Jennifer on Little Rock's KURB-FM, B98.5 (B98.com), from 5:30-9 a.m. Monday through Friday.
Style on 10/31/2017